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Boys Mostly

27 Jul

I found my diary from when I was 12-17 years old. I have to say that I enjoyed reading every embarrassing (sometimes heartbreaking) moment. I also enjoyed my young teen angst poetry (yikes).

My favorite part of the diary was at the beginning, when I had a wicked crush on Jeff Goldblum (click to enlarge photos).

A few days after that second entry, I wrote Jeff Goldblum a letter because he didn’t respond to my email. My mom always said, “He’s too old for you!” so I had to hide the fact that I was sending a letter. The day I sent it, I called the post office to ask how many stamps a letter needed to get to California and I was very nervous my dad was going to notice one of his stamps missing, so I said a prayer. When I “went outside to ride my bike” that morning, I sprinted to the mailbox and triumphantly put up the flag. I was so excited and nervous about what Jeff Goldblum’s response would be. I am not positive as to the exact wording of what went out in the final letter, but I know it was something like this pervy draft I found:

____________________
6/8/97

Dear Mr. Goldblum,

My name is Lauren and I am 12 years old (13 on October 1st)! I like all your movies and watched Jurassic Park again today, actually. I have seen it 15 times.

I thought you were funny on Saturday Night Live, my favorite was your skit with Mary Katherine Gallagher when she is a Catholic schoolgirl and you are her teacher and you dance together to “Last Dance.” Just like Mary Katherine Gallagher, I wear a Catholic school uniform at school and I would like you to be my teacher and dance with me like that, too. I would lick you head to toe like she did because I think you are a very attractive man! It was funny in the skit. I hope that was not too forward of me to say.

I know I am only 12 and you are 44, but I promise I am mature for my age.

Anyway, I hope to hear from you. My address is on the second page.

Love,

Lauren
____________________

 

I remember putting my school photo in the envelope and truly believing that he was going to adore me. Needless to say, Jeff Goldblum never wrote me back.

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A July 4th Vajazzle

4 Jul

One year ago today, I was having my share of wine and cheese at the symphony/fireworks event at Oregon Ridge Park. Considering the very small amount of “us” time that Dane and I got at home, this was a great way to unwind and be romantic.

 

 

There are few things that bother me when I am feeling relaxed and tipsy. I tend to escape from the world around me and I even have the ability to tune out screaming children. However, just as the symphony started playing, I was startled by a woman in a white terry cloth romper who accidentally flashed her vajazzled vagina in my direction. Then it happened again. Then another time. The more wine she drank, the more I saw her gem adorned vagina. The people around us began seeing it too–Dane saw it thrice before the shocked woman next to him and her ice cream covered child saw it. One guy saw it and was so disgusted that he moved his blanket. I even heard a couple talking about it on the way out.

We were all so disturbed by what we saw, but not one of us could look away. This woman’s vajazzle was present in the lives of everyone at Oregon Ridge Park that day. It reflected sunlight like a disco ball does a spotlight, there’s no way that someone could have missed it.

I have some simple advice for this lady and I think that all of my dear sisters should take note:

1. In January 2010, Jennifer Love Hewitt said vajazzling would empower you and perhaps you took her advice. She didn’t say you should get shitfaced at the park and show your 50 yr. old va-junk to children.

2. Making your lady bits sparkle is the business of you and your husband and it shouldn’t be flashed around. It makes you seem trashy. Jennifer Love Hewitt didn’t show her vajazzled “precious lady” to anyone. The ghost whisperer knows best.

3. Always wear underwear to family friendly events.

4. Keep your legs together whilst in public places. You risk much laughter and disgust at your expense.

5. You also risk some perv taking a photo of that thing. Believe me, I tried to snap one myself.

6. A 3rd risk to consider? Mosquitoes. Keep it covered, girlfriends.

Also, while we’re on the subject, where does one get a vajazzle? Have you ever been with a guy who has a pejazzle? Is there such a thing as clitter? I have this friend who wants to know. It isn’t me.

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Talk Nerdy to Me

29 Jun

 

While I may not look like a nerd, I have always been one at the core of my being. My inner nerd adores Shakespeare, knows the General Prologue to The Canterbury Tales in Middle English, loves video games and almost got an Elvish tattoo.

Because I am one, I have been known on occasion to fancy a nerd. I like the way their brains work. Also, many of you may not know that they are actually quite stellar in the bedroom because they aim to please and it’s easy to connect with them (perhaps this isn’t true about all nerds, but I am going on what I know and what I’ve heard).

There are several nerdy guys for whom I’ve felt the jones in my bones:

 

1. Liam. He’s an intelligent, lanky IT guy with an accent. He has mad sexy computer skills and a serious case of tall dick. I’d still have his babies.

2. Ben. He has super thick glasses and loves himself some Dance Dance Revolution. When the Wii came out, we played Zelda for 17 hours straight, slept, and then did the same thing the very next day.

3. Jim. He built his computer and he knows a lot about space. He used to buy me wine and talk about space for hours. It was hot. He also has a case of tall dick. He looked a lot like Anthony Edwards in Revenge of the Nerds.

4. Derek. This guy plays the violin, has a boisterous laugh and is a walking encyclopedia. He’s an IT guy in my building and sometimes I “have a problem with my computer” so he will come talk to me. He blushes a lot.

5. Ashton. He likes all things Japan and plays the flute in a video game band. Everyone loves a flutist. Also, he likes The Lord of the Rings. Bonus!

 

So, does any one else have a thing for nerds? Does anyone have a shirt that says “Frodo Lives!”? No? Oh, well then, me either……

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things they want me to do in bed.

26 Jun

Not those things. These things:

 

 

Once upon a time, my friend and I went to the bar, got drunk and she spent the night. We went up to my room and she watched me do my evening routine (above).

 

K: This is the least sexy thing I have ever watched.

Me: What? They say to use the Biofreeze and dog bone for my neck, the cast thing to keep my arm straight while I sleep, the sock thing goes under it and the green band so my hair doesn’t get in my face and make me break out.

 

Then I went and looked in the mirror and I was not hot at all, so I did a dance.
 

K: It’s still not sexy.

Me (air humping): Boys love it.

K: When’s the last time a boy saw your room?

Me (still dancing): 2011.

K: We are going to fix this, and when we do, no Biofreeze.

Me (doing some form of dougie): I know, I’ve already learned that lesson.

K: Poor guy.

Me (still douging): Poor me too! Don’t worry though, a hero will soon save me from sexual deprivation, I feel him coming.

K: Hah, coming.

Me (more douging): Come, let’s dougie.

 

And so we did, at 3 am, to no music.

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Men, Muscles and Money, Oh My!

18 Jun

 

I thought that perhaps the media was exaggerating how beautiful/ridiculous the people are in South Beach, but I was wrong. On my first day there, I went to the beach alone and observed gorgeous, ripped dudes in expensive sunglasses hitting on girls and strutting around talking about sports and how awesome they are at being lawyers. In the past, you would have found me disgusted, bitter and annoyed by this entire show, but I laughed and actually enjoyed it. A couple of them talked to me and I even thought some of them were hot. Yep, I said hot.

How is this possible? Well, I learned that there is a huge difference between this Lauren and past Lauren. Past Lauren was a bitter girl who thought she was ugly and didn’t deserve good things and she didn’t know what she wanted and would have accepted anything, so she attracted all the wrong situations and got confused when guys were total dicks. She felt like a victim of douchebaggery and started hating and judging all guys in general, making relationships with men frustrating for both parties.

Current Lauren loves herself and she loves men, too. I realized while in Florida, that one of the major steps it took to get here is highlighted in this article given to me by my friend’s boyfriend:

Every woman needs a ‘gaggle’ of men

Single ladies, you need to read that article. Married people, what do you think?

I have many men in my life, in many enriching ways, who are all teaching me about myself and my needs and desires and leading me closer to the guy and relationship I want. My “gaggle” has taught me so much about men, too (they aren’t all jerks, and even the tough looking ones may be soft underneath those superman pecs).

I guess the point I am trying to make is that d-bags happen. Once you have confidence and know what you want, it’s easier to gain respect and not feel like a victim. You can even have fun and find out that some of them are admiring you and not raping you with their eyes, just as I discovered while watching and interacting with these fine, peculiar specimens as they strutted around on the beach like macho birds.

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thoughts from BWI airport

11 Jun

 

I am sitting by myself at the airport, people watching like a champ, and thinking about how funny it is that many of these people are trying so hard to hide that they are a little weird. I am happy to be a little weird. You all (creative people/bloggers) have helped me embrace this loving weirdness and I am forever grateful. Thank you. I weird you guys. ♥ 

I am meant to embrace it and 2012 brought me here. Right now I am a raw nerve. Maybe those of us who are coming unglued were being held together by Elmer’s School Glue and this year is putting us back together with something like Gorilla Glue (or whatever is strong–I am no glue connoisseur).

Okay….time to board a plane and get crunk. It is Monday, after all. Also, look at this funny ass cat:  

 

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a unique pep talk

29 May

My friend and I went to breakfast last week after a night out. By 9 am we had already exhausted ourselves talking about sex and men and we both agreed that we are confused by women who don’t enjoy getting freaky.

Then this happened:

Sara: Do you feel like you are “acting out” as a way of coping?

Me: I am not “acting out.” I feel stronger, really, and I just want to be normal.

Sara: You’re crazy and that’s okay.

Me: Well, a little bit, but not like “crazy crazy.”

Sara: The harsh reality is that you’re a crazy person. We both are. It’s time to accept and embrace this fact. I mean, you fart on cats, flash your boobs to strangers on Skype and you get angry at boyfriends when they are too tired to give you sex. Also, you believe a ghost tried to have sex with you and you backed it up with a reference to Baywatch.

Me: It was only one cat and only one stranger. I don’t like not having sex and I just think that when you get the chills it means you’re having sex with a ghost–I saw it on Baywatch.

Sara: Listen, there are plenty more reasons and I am just saying, you’re great, smart and beautiful and the more you accept your unique self, the better.

Me: I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my unique ship. I’ve got this.

Sara: Theeere she is.

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How I know I need a vacation.

28 May

My house is in a very “unique” part of Baltimore called Hampden. There are characters everywhere and sometimes I sit alone on my porch, watch them and think to myself, “What the fucking fuck!?!”

Well, yesterday I was outside weeding and overheard one of my “unique” neighbors talking on the phone. He has a raging boner for me. I kind of enjoy that fact (not many dudes have a raging boner for me), so sometimes I walk outside, bend over to pick up my paper, smile and say something cute. He usually replies with something that reminds me that he has a raging boner for me and I get disgusted/secretly enjoy it and then I move on with my day. Have I mentioned, by the way, that I haven’t had sex since 2011? Because I haven’t had sex since 2011.

Anyway, yesterday I was looking forward to messing with him, but he wasn’t paying attention to me. Suddenly, I heard him say,

“O win lil sexee an’ me wint downy oshun citee it took frevr t’git uvr de Baybrij”

Translation: “When Little Sexy and I went to Ocean City,  it took an extended period of time to drive over the Bay Bridge.”

Who is ‘Little Sexy?’ I thought to myself, is he over me? 

Then he hung up the phone and called her name. “lil sexee c’mere!”

I stood and watched, waiting to see who exactly had stolen the heart of my white trash possible future husband. His 6-year-old daughter then skipped outside and he gave her an adornment of noogies. I sighed with relief, which was followed by utter shock that I even cared in the first place, which was only then followed by the realization that the man nicknamed his daughter “Little Sexy.”

I need to go on a date with a real man and take a vacation to a far away place, people. I’m not letting go of my class just yet!

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sexy 1900s steel conglomerate tycoon

23 May

Today someone searched the term “what is a steel conglomerate” and came upon my blog (no, not that kind of ‘came’). It is likely that this unfortunate wanderer of the internets was disappointed by what he found in my post from last year:

I always wait until the very last minute to get a Halloween costume together and every single year I regret it. Then, regardless of what I choose, it usually turns out to be one of those ridiculous sexy costumes that gals buy because we can because it’s Halloween. Last year I went as “sexy ghostbuster.” My cleavage was fully showcased and I wore the most insane heels. I ended up getting so wasted and my feet hurt so badly that my ex-boyfriend (male, normal looking ghostbuster) had to carry me over his shoulder 5 blocks back to the car….beer tears all the way. That poor guy.

“How are we going stay in place like this!!?” – Boobs

 

That is obviously not us, but my boobs did the same thing and much to my dismay, those puppies did not stay in place. My man kept calling me “Nipples McGillicutty.”

I brought up that story recently and my friend Jesse shared this video with me:

 

 

Next Halloween I want to have a party and be “sexy 1900s steel conglomerate tycoon.” I have a preeeeetty good feeling about it, and hey, maybe I’ll meet my future husband that night and we will have a funny story to tell.

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Who wants to take my 2012 virginity?

18 May

It’s happening again–the mens wanna get with me. To be honest, I hate it when my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard because it’s always a weird mix of sex fiends and complete dorks.

All those fuckers are lined up around the block and they only want 1 thing–my 2012 virginity. Yes, it has been awhile, and it’s about time I give it up. Which one of those lucky fellas will it be? It’s going to be hard, but tomorrow I make my choice.

Will it be you? Yeaaah, you would like that, wouldn’t you? I bet you’re looking forward to bending me over my desk and showing me how good you are at your “sexy” man stuff. One minute of ecstasy never sounded so good.

I’ll do anything. you. want. First, though, you’ll have to get me nice and liquored up so I take off my clothes (a cheap bottle of wine should do it).

Now…first my heels, then my shirt…my skirt…. followed by my

Miraclesuit

Ahh..nice to breathe again….and oh baby, you’ll just lose your mind when I take off my

I know how you like seeing hard nipples. All the time. My left one is a little slow, but I want to keep you satisfied.

Oh, and  please just ignore my  “my breast friend” cooling patches–it gets hot in that body suit….

…and finally, you’ll lick you lips when I remove my leopard print booty pop panties.

It best be perky if you have to stare at it, darling. I’ll just keep on my makeup until you pass out.

Sexy Saturday, here I come (and if I don’t, I guess while you’re snoring I can just go ahead and take care of that myself)!

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