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In memory.

14 May

 

I would like to say I am sorry for the time we fought and I got all worked up and did not know what to do so I farted on your cat and shouted, “Take that!”

Hey, it lightened the mood and we both laughed so hard that we couldn’t breathe. Isn’t that the best kind of laughter?

Later, you told me I should post about it, but I never did because, I mean, who does that? Well, I guess I do. Hey, I never said I was perfect.

I am sure you’re having a nice laugh in heaven right now remembering that one.

Life will be forever different after today and you know what? I have never been so scared. I will miss the way you used to hold my shoulders, look in my eyes and say, “Be brave, you’ve got this.  I’ve seen what you can do.”

Be brave.

I think that today, after your funeral, I am going to go home and hug your stinky cat, run in the pouring rain and sing every song from Grease 2 at the very top of my lungs. That was our favorite.

Rest easy, Dane. Wow, I am going to miss you.

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Wedding fun.

13 May

I went to a wedding last night and wore a pretty halter dress. I didn’t wear underwear with it because I have managed to tuck this particular dress into my underwear on two separate occasions.

I avoided tucking my dress, but I didn’t avoid the wind blowing it up so the 4 guys walking behind me could see my butt. I also didn’t avoid spilling water all over my chest.

So embarrassing. Sometimes I feel like if the personalities of Jess from New Girl and Bridget Jones reproduced, they would create me:

 

The future Mrs. Arthur Fonzarelli in 2010, post underwear tuck.

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9 May

Dane, the boyfriend who I went to this with, died today. He was smart (callback to Jeopardy smart), funny, a great dad to his son and a total pain in my ass. I’m gonna miss him. It’s all about the good memories, right? Well, here we go.

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What is a man?

9 May

I went and picked out a bottle from my Aunt Sue’s wine rack (I am house sitting this week). When I tried to open the bottle, this happened:

 

I broke the wine opener.

 

I fought to the death with that thing, but it didn’t work out. So, on a piece of paper I wrote “sorry” (right). I noticed the notepad (left) had writing on the next page. It asks, “What is a man?” Wow, good question. I found another opener, got a new bottle and there went my mind for the evening. What is a man?

What is a man to you? Are you a man? What makes you one?

Sure, a man will reach high places, fix things, grill like a champ, be on bug removal duty and fart on you from time to time. He will also laugh at the word “duty” in the previous sentence. Because he truly thinks you will like it or because he’s trying to be funny, he might also send you a picture of his ween. But what else?

To me, a man is loyal, focused, honest and an equal. A man is a role model to his children. A man owns up, dances (sometimes, though I prefer often), and can apologize. He is protective. Without thinking, a man gets the door. He allows himself to be emotional with you. A man won’t whine to his friends about you to seem cool.

Also, a man will inspire you to live without fear and forget regret.  He will make sure you always feel like you are the most beautiful, confident woman in the room…oh wait, my bad, now I’m just thinking of alcohol.

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My Male Order Husband

7 May

See what I did there? Fun.

Since searching for true love feels like being hit by a train, I’ve decided to just go ahead and order a husband. I did some research and found some real gems. It was hard, but I have narrowed it down to these 3 dreamy guys:

Boris (left), Gntlbeast and Vladimir (right)

They all seem great and as you can see, each candidate has chosen his best photo, making this a difficult choice. Based on the photo alone, Gntlbeast is a no-brainer. He is gentle and he likes unicorns. What’s not to love? He has a mustache, too–bonus. Now I shall present their website descriptions. Which would you choose? Any feedback will be appreciated. This is my future husband, after all. Husbands from Ukraine don’t come cheap, folks.

Boris

I am a well-wishing man from Ukraine. I love art, intellectual dialogues, going to the nature. I write pictures and sell my works. I love cats, corresponding. I am strong and brave. Romantic a little bit. I like to cook. Sometimes I want to taste you in my dishes.

I have never been to abroad but I want to meet a girl there who has the light eyes, desirably never married before, open in sex. I can respects a lady. Frankly it does not matter what girl she is…. Every girl is always nice!

Gntlbeast

I am a calm tempered man. As every man I dream about my own family. I see her beautiful and slim. Blonder. Black hair is good also.

Vladimir

Hallo! My name Vladimir. I have wife but do not love her. I have child in secondary school 1 girl my wife making me stay home feed child. I would like to leave her very much so and find sexful lady. I enjoy to  trampoline much. Father being Starshina in CCCP Red Army but they shoot for he being looting after Ukraine independent. I come from military family but no military I am peace and love all the way. Hey! USA!

Before I lose hair it of sexy style. I dress professional in week and “letting loose” on weekend to be sexy for dance party in disco club. I want to dance with goodest dancer in USA. Good are you?

You see, I am looking for sexful lady with romance in life and living. I am young, live fast, I need fast lady to keep up with my speedy. Must be very slim under 45 kilogram. I like personality to maybe you like my personality and we “hitting it off” as say in USA!

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Stuff I did on Ambien

3 May

I was so stressed in college that I needed to take Ambien to sleep at night. Doctors should prescribe “drinking too much” for sleep issues because I swear to you that Ambien gave me the same side effects as a bottle of wine (or 2). I am sure you have seen the commercials and heard the list of precautions/complex behavior warnings.

 

Ambien may prompt:

Sleep-driving. Check. I drove to my parents house in the middle of the night with no memory of it. Yikes.

Visual hallucinations. Check. I asked my roommate Kelli where she got her parrot and why she was dressed like a pirate. That poor girl probably thought I was nuts.

Sleepwalking. Check.  I visited friends down the hall and had full conversations. The next day I would have to ask if it was a dream or real life.

Sleep-eating. Check. I walked into someone’s dorm room in the middle of the night and took her skittles and fruit with no memory of it. I woke up in bed with skittles all over me the next morning.

Sleep-sexy time. Not Check. If you and your partner take Ambien before sex, chances are you will both take off your clothes, start something sexy and either pass out or not remember anything that happened. That sounds lame. My opinion is it wouldn’t make things hotter, although you may remember that  Tiger Woods was a fan.

So, are there other precautions the commercial doesn’t mention? You bet:

Sleep-dancing. Ambien and the internet worked together to teach me the Carmen Electra booty shake and the Carlton dance (and I am proud to say I am still a pro at both):


Sleep-mooning. If I was in any way well-known on my college campus, it was because I would leave the room and moon people after taking Ambien. I came back from Christmas break to a picture of my butt taped to our dorm room door. Also, one time I fell in the snow whilst mooning and as you can imagine, it gave a whole new meaning to “freezing my ass off.”

Sleep-writing in my journal: Written journal entries trailed slowly down the page into illegible squiggles. I have a whole journal of this!

Lastly, my greatest achievement while taking Ambien…sleep-shopping. The little (big) gem below is my favorite sleep-shopping purchase. It is a life-size cardboard cutout of the hobbits from Lord of the Rings that was delivered one fine afternoon to my parents’ house while I was away at school. My dad called with a number of questions, but I had no recollection of buying it. I still have these guys because, I mean, it’s pretty funny. I could have purchased anything that the internet offers, but I went with life-size hobbits. Maybe Ambien just wanted to release and please my inner geek? Who knows. Whatever, I still love these guys.

 

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Benadryl Dreams

2 May

My elbow has calmed down and my sore throat turned out to be allergies. Last night, I decided to take Benadryl to treat my symptoms and I had a dream that it was the 1800’s and ChrisDeVoss showed up at my house to exchange goods (no, not those kinds of goods).

I traded my mint leaves for his Uncrustable (no, not those mint leaves or that Uncrustable) and a video tape with this music video that he thought I would like:

 

 

I do like it, thanks dream Chris. We watched it and jammed the eff out. When it was over, I turned to him and very seriously commented, “When they invent the internet, I am so going to use ‘sexy soufflé’ in one of my posts.” See? Now I have.

I woke up laughing. God bless Benadryl dreams.

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Where do you want to be right now?

30 Apr

I am taking off this week due to an arm/elbow issue (nerve entrapment) that seems to get very angry at me when I work/write and spend too much time on WordPress. This puts a damper on my spirits because, well, one is my job and the other is what I do when I take frequent breaks from my job. Also, I was in an effing car accident last night and I have a sore throat. If anyone knows how to exorcise the crappy luck demons, that would be fabulous.

 

Maybe I just need to get away.

 

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would it be and why? I know where I would be (and where I will escape to in my imagination all day):

 

Bora Bora, bitches.

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My Boyfriend, Vodka

24 Apr

As you can see, Vodka and I are back together again after our rough breakup. I lasted 1 week. I didn’t want to be in the photos, but Vodka (and Sangria) insisted. Yikes.

http://vimeo.com/40949148

 

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Dear Justin Bieber

23 Apr

Dear Justin Bieber,

Let me stop you right there, little fella. While you were whispering to me via radio waves on my ride into work this morning, I realized that I don’t want you to be my boyfriend, so please, stop bothering me about it.

Why?

1. Well, for starters, I don’t want to chill with you “by a fire while we eatin’ fondue.” What, all that money in your hands that you’d really like to blow and we’re just going to chill by a fire and eat fondue? That’s utter crap.

2. Really? You “can” be a gentleman? How talented and noble of you.

3. You seem to be missing body hair. Unacceptable.

4. I don’t want to spend the next 5 months teaching you how to kiss. Tedious.

5. I definitely don’t want to spend the next year teaching you how to use your meek little penis.

6. Sometimes I have to squint when I look at your bright-ass clothes. I don’t want to have to squint when I look at my boyfriend.

 

If you were my boyfriend, your neon clothes would give me migraines.

 

7. Sometimes you look like a pretty young lady. I don’t date young ladies. Or any ladies.

8. You have the seagull outline tattoo. I get the Jonathan Livingston Seagull reference and I’m sure people  praise you for it, but will never read it themselves. Seagulls also steal french fries and poop on people. Just saying.

9. “So say hello to falsetto in three, two” is not something I want to hear in the bedroom. You would probably say that in the bedroom.

10. Who do you think you are, the Ying Yang Twins? You don’t know what half of that song even means, so stop whispering at me and find someone your own age.

Sincerely,

Lauren Ann

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