Archive | fun RSS feed for this section

I still don’t look like Fergie.

19 Apr

Today I got my 500th “like.” Thank you, people of the internets–much love. Here is one reason I began blogging in the first place:

Over the past 8 months, 4 different people, all strangers, have told me I look like Fergie. I don’t look like Fergie. I don’t think she’s looking so hot these days (though her body stays vicious, indeed–fair enough, Fergie Ferg).

In 1989, I remember dancing my tiny 5-year-old ass off while watching her perform The Locomotion on Kids Incorporated and thinking I wanted to be her (she’s the one in the middle):

 

Side note, look how cute little Jennifer Love Hewitt is on the right. Who knew she would grow those boobs or get vajazzled? Not I.

These days, if someone comments, “You look like Fergie,” is it a compliment?  No. Why? Because I think Fergie and Carrot Top look like plastic face twins. So…

 

If Fergie

=

Carrot Top

 

then Fergie and/or Carrot Top

=

Me

And seriously, fuck Carrot Top. He reminds me of a nightmare I once had about the circus. Just thinking about him raises my blood pressure. I guess none of this really matters because I don’t look like Fergie and Carrot Top, so there’s no problem here and there was no reason to rant about this in the first place. Right? Right. Whatever those 4 people saw shall remain unknown and will haunt me for the rest of my days. Unless, of course, one of you sees the resemblance. If so, please come forth. Choose your words wisely.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Dear Vodka

16 Apr

Dear Vodka,

After much consideration and very little recollection, I have decided to break up with you.

We fell in love about 2 years ago, when a foot of snow was on the ground and my ex boyfriend had just broken up with me a week before Christmas. The liquor store on my street was open and that’s where we met. Remember that winter? It was fun. My fondest memory was when you made me chase a bunch of children and call them “little shits” after they threw snowballs at me.

You were there for me that day, Vodka, and we’ve been a great team ever since. One time you told me to punch a douche bag who was at the bar. That douche deserved it, and we saved an innocent guy from getting punched. Now that I think about it, that guy owed me a shot of you.

Still, I’m sorry–it’s over. Why? Last weekend alone did me in and I didn’t even throw up, end up in a strange bed, cry or drunk text an ex boyfriend (our most common offense, surely).

 

Don't judge me. You've been here, too.

 

I did, however, fall off a curb in front of a lot of people, I kissed and gave my number to a man who has “pleasure” tattooed on his neck, I braided a woman’s hair and I managed to eat a dog treat. Yes, a fucking dog treat. On Sunday morning, I woke up topless on my kitchen floor with my phone nestled in between my boobs. That was it for me–I knew we had gone too far.

Perhaps it was just because I tried your new peanut butter and jelly flavor, who knows….but really? A mother fucking dog treat? Seriously? A guy with “pleasure” tattooed on his neck? I can do better than this, Vodka. I am a classier gal than this.

I’ll probably be back, but for now I must bid you adieu.

Yours Truly,

Lauren Ann

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

On Air Sex World Championships

13 Apr

I am going to pop out of my shell today and share something called the Air Sex World Championships. It’s like air guitar, except it’s sex and there are less rules. Contestants have 2 minutes to perform an Air Sex routine. The routine can include all phases of a sexual encounter. Props are allowed, teams are allowed and talking is allowed. The only important rule is that all sexual climaxes must be simulated. Sex judges are comedians, musicians, artists and press. They choose 3 acts who return for a final round that is performed to a mystery song.

I want to do it. I’m serious. Those of you who know me are thinking there is no way I would go through with it, right? Do not doubt me, my friends. I finally have a calling and it is the Air Sex World Championships. We all knew my calling would be something that would better the world.

Since teams are allowed, SnarkySnatch, will you do me the honor of performing with me? What better day to say yes than this day–Friday the Fuck Buddy 13th? You know you want to, don’t hold back. We would be good at it and our performance would be wicked hot. My brain (among other things) is already flooding with ideas. I don’t know about you, but I will have to practice simulating an orgasm since I’ve never faked an orgasm in my life. Let’s do it. You pick the song.

Tags: , , , , , ,

story of my life

10 Apr

This is why I have a guest room, fellas.

Tags: , , , ,

How I Became Katniss Everdeen

2 Apr

It is probably for the best that I did not read “The Hunger Games.” Just when I thought I was becoming more of an adult, Hollywood has offered me another chance to live entirely inside my imagination as a badass heroine–and this time it is Katniss Everdeen (for those of you who don’t know, The Hunger Games are an annual event in which one boy and one girl from each of 12 districts are selected by lottery to compete in a televised battle in which only one person can be left standing).

Thoughts I had throughout the movie leading up to me becoming Katniss Everdeen:

1. Teenagers killing each other? I am not so sure I want to see this film.

2. My, my, who is this fine man they have brought before me as Gale Hawthorne? Liam Hemsworth you say? Let us wed.

3. Peeta…I guess we can make out. Hands stay above the waist.

4. Woody Harrelson is in this? He asked for my number one time. It was funny.

5. Lenny Kravitz? Is that you? I need that gold eyeliner.

6. Woah. A lot of teenagers just died. Cool.

7. I want the Katniss braid. I hope one of my hairstylist friends will make this happen–hint hint.

9. I need to take archery lessons so I can be Katniss Everdeen.

10. Peeta, you’re growing on me. You can do me if you want.

11.I really could do all of these things, how am I not Katniss Everdeen?

12. No, wait–I feel it. I already am Katniss Everdeen.

 

Thanks, Hollywood.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The luckiest girl in the world

28 Mar

It’s hard to leave you for the day,

Let’s cuddle forever

and be like kids when we play.

At night, we meet at my front door–you kiss me.

I don’t mind that you don’t have a job

and your tattoo gives you history.

So they call it puppy love,

but what can I do?

I am hopelessly and endlessly in love with you.

...even if you burp in my face, have a snaggletooth and occasionally smell like corn chips

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Case of the Mondays

26 Mar

My thoughts exactly. This lady and I would be the best of friends. I bet her name is Edna. Come along, Edna, we can count down together.

 

 

Okay everyone, back to work.

Tags: , ,

Six things to avoid on a first date

20 Mar

Six things to avoid on a first date

( that have happened to me on a first date…all within the last 6 years)

1. Try not to fall and cut your knee/leg/ankle. If you do, try not to cry. If you cry…avoid allowing your date to dress your wounds (but hey, if you’re horny, this is a great, easy way to let a guy in your pants).

2. Don’t laugh hard at his jokes and say something like, “Oh my god, that’s hilarious, I love you!” because you will spend the next 5 minutes in silence or awkwardly trying to explain what you meant.

3. If you’re out and you see the person who waxes you, avoid drunkenly calling her over and announcing, “She has seen my vagina!”

4. Avoid nose bleeds. Or, if you’re trying to get out of the date, don’t avoid nose bleeds.

5. Don’t talk to anyone who in the past has given you an embarrassing nickname. Your date may start calling you that nickname (“Moose” or “Wee Wee” are 2 examples).

6. Avoid tucking your dress into your panties. You should avoid this on all dates and at all times. I suggest that you look in the mirror AND check for a draft before you leave the ladies’ room. This should be easy enough.

Actually, while on the topic, here are the things you should be doing in the bathroom (in a timely manner):

  1. Pee quickly–you’re holding up the line. Do not pee on the seat. If you pee on the seat, be classy and wipe it off.
  2. Flush.
  3. Wash hands with soap.
  4. Check your teeth for the dreaded pepper tooth (a spice stuck somewhere near that lateral incisor).
  5. Check hair.
  6. Check cleavage.
  7. Gloss up those lips. Do not get gloss on teeth.
  8. Check that dress is not tucked into underwear.
  9. Smile and pose. As always, you are the loveliest lady up in that place.
  10. Grand exit.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

17 Mar

Some of my favorite memories are of Ireland (Irish men, specifically). I lived with a few Irish guys. Besides the constant flirting and entertainment that took place, I received a few lessons from them, included a proper talking to about St. Patrick’s Day. They were frustrated that we Americans say “St.Patty’s Day” instead of “St. Paddy’s Day.” It’s “St. Paddy’s Day” because Paddy is derived from the Irish “Pádraig.”

I was sent (forced by the law) back to America to share this very lesson with you.

According to The Provisional Government of Paddy, Not Patty, “There’s not a sinner in Ireland that would call a Patrick, “Patty.” It’s insulting. It’s really as simple as that.”

So, now that you’ve received your lesson, enjoy some photos I took in Ireland when I wasn’t drinking a pint of the black stuff and/or kissing strangers. I kissed many strangers.

A tomb called Poll na mBrón, which is Irish for "hole of sorrows."                                      The Burren, County Clare

Kinsale, County Cork

Locke's Distillery, County Westmeath 

Sheep and hills and water near Dingle, County Kerry

Rock Of Cashel, County Tipperary

Cliffs of Moher, County Clare

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

WebMD

15 Mar

Am I the only one who despises the WebMD symptom checker but still visits the website anyway “just incase”? I swear that when I type something as simple as “headache,” they basically tell me that I’m going to die within the next 24 hours or that I am mentally ill and, at least for a little while, I actually believe it.

Recently, I visited the website and it gave me 2 possible conditions:

 

 

For the record, all I needed was sleep and I have never craved or eaten paint, plaster, dirt or laundry starch. Today, I went to the search and typed “swollen gland,” clicked a couple of symptoms and here are the possible conditions…

 


…and here was my thought process upon reading this:

1. Cat-scratch disease?! That’s real? Well, it says that I would need to be scratched or licked by a cat. Wait, a cat licked me last weekend at that party. Wait, I HAVE a cat. Crap, I have cat scratch fever!

2. It can’t be Lyme disease, I haven’t seen a tick on me. Then again, I live alone. What if the dog brought it in? What if it was on my back and I didn’t see it? I am achy and fatigued….shit! I have Lyme disease!!!

3. Oh great, I probably have TB!! Figures!

4. I don’t have an abscess and my throat doesn’t hurt…so it’s not that stuff.

5. I haven’t kissed anyone, so it isn’t Mono. Wait, we shared cake at work last week! Oh no, it’s Mono!! Bright side–maybe it will help me lose weight. Um, Lauren, don’t think like that, you’re so weird. And stop talking to yourself like this. You need professional help.

6. Swollen glands, well duh, that’s what I clicked in the first place.

7. I HAVE THE PLAGUE? I knew it! Stupid rats!!!!! I’m going to die in 4-7 days?! How tragic, I never got to finish my world tour or get married and have kids! I just coughed. Fuck, how did I get this big bruise? Is that blood? No, this can’t be the end, I’m too young to die!!!!

 

I am still stuck on that 7th thought. So, we’ll see. Oh and hey, I apologize if I gave anyone else the plague. My bad.

Tags: , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →